We all need validation.
This is a big misconception that gets passed through the self help industry, and consequently the pick up industry as well: that you should never seek validation and that you should only be validated by yourself or your own actions.
It’s a nice thought. But not very realistic. As humans we’re wired to always seek validation from somewhere, and we need a steady stream of some sort of validation to remain emotionally healthy. It’s just a question of where and how we get it.
A subtle yet important difference I always try to make is that validation itself isn’t the enemy. Validation in and of itself doesn’t make you unattractive. It’s basing your behaviors on validation that makes you unattractive.
The best way I can think of to explain it is that validation is like money. Everybody needs money to live. Everybody likes money and everybody wants as much money as possible.
But people who base all of their actions and ambitions on money and nothing else typically end up unhappy, selfish, and insecure.
Money’s not the problem. Being controlled by money is the problem.
In the same way, receiving validation from having sex with women is not the problem. There’s nothing wrong with that. But basing your life and behavior around the validation of having sex with women… well, that will lead you to a dark and lonely place.
Here’s another good analogy. Take sports. Athletes receive massive amounts of external validation in terms of fame, fortune, sponsorships, commercials, etc. There’s nothing wrong with that. What’s wrong is when an athlete is ONLY in it for the fame, fortune, sponsorships, etc. These athletes often end up miserable and bankrupt soon after retirement, and I’d say it’s not a coincidence. It’s typically the athletes who love the game, who have an undeniable passion for it, who would be playing it whether they were paid or not who end up the most successful and satisfied.
The same is true with women. Guys who are in it for the validation — to affirm to themselves that they’re important, that they matter, that somebody cares about them — these guys usually end up just as lonely and unhappy as they did before they started, even after they’d been with dozens of women. But guys who pursue women out of a genuine curiosity, interest and joy for them not only experience the most success, but also enjoy the most validation.
And guys, we ALL have a passion for women. It’s hardwired into us. It’s a matter of opening yourself up to it.
Validation and money are similar in another way as well. And that is, when you don’t have any all you can think about is getting some. It’s easy to talk about loving your job and doing it because you’re passionate about it and you care. But suddenly if yourself broke and on the street, then whoring yourself out to some desk job you hate doesn’t sound like such a bad option.
Likewise, if you’re emotionally destitute, then any sort of validation will do and you’ll pursue it vigorously wherever you can get it. And once you begin to receive validation with some regularity, you’ll slowly become less and less dependent on it.
And see, this is where being internally validated comes in. If you’re emotionally destitute, and you desperately need some validation, you can go out and look for it in external places — women, money, possessions, etc. Or you can look for it internally. Both feel nice. But one lasts and the other doesn’t. External validation is like buying a new car. You feel like the man for a week or so, but then it’s back to square one. Internal validation is like investing your money. It grows and expands. It collects interest. You end up with more than you started with. And then you can go buy a new car whenever you feel like it.
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