Hey amigos -

I'm a 26 year old nice guy who used to seize up around attractive women.

The last few months has brought huge changes in my dating life. I'm consistently day-approaching, getting dates, etc. Last weekend, I had sex for the first time in 2 (TWO) years with a girl I approached in Trader Joe's...

Obviously, this is an exciting time for me. I have options for the first time ever, and I feel like I should "sow my wild oats" since I've never had that phase.

But the girl I just had sex with... turns out I think she's pretty cool. The plan was to not let any feelings develop, but that plan isn't working so well.

I'm conflicted between getting more serious with this girl, or to risk losing/hurting her in order to continue my progress (not to mention, shutting down my emotions)...

On a different website, the ideal is to date multiple women long term - without being exclusive (until you eventually decide to settle down with one). If the question comes up if you're seeing others, the proper response is to say something along the lines of "You and I are not even close to being exclusive. If, at some point, we become exclusive I'll share my dating history with you. But for now that that's like reading an entry in my diary that I wrote about you."

I'm curious how your feelings about this compare.

Do you guys generally date multiple women?

If so, do you set ground rules early or have the convo when she brings it up? And how do you handle the convo when it happens?

"You and I are not even close to being exclusive" is excessively harsh. The rest of the reply seems too impersonal.

Just tell her that you're not interested in being in an exclusive relationship. Hopefully, at this point you have not lead her on into thinking that. You could even explain your whole situation if you really think she's cool-- that you have not had a phase in your life where you just have casual sex. Just be open with her about it all.

Some guys just sleep around inexclusively, but I wouldn't say it's the majority. On forums like this, it's probably the majority.

I typically don't bring it up until she does or if I'm possibly giving the wrong impression (like by cooking her breakfast, or calling to just hang out).

DON'T let your choice depend on what would hurt her more. I've done this too, but it's nice guy behavior and you're not being authentic and doing what makes you happy, and ironically, you will often end up hurting her MORE this way.

Also do not let your choice depend on what people on an internet forum say. If it feels completely awesome with her and you feel no desire for any other girl, then go for it. If, however, you already feel doubts now; if you feel that you might want to gain more experience, meet more women, or that maybe this girl isn't all that, then definitely don't get exclusive now. If you feel those feelings now, those feelings will probably only grow, especially considering this is the first girl you've been with in 2 years.


About what to say when the issue of seeing others comes up:
If it's clear from the situation that it's not serious or exclusive, then I won't mention it. But if the girl might think that it's getting serious or that I'm only seeing her, I'll just tell her my view on things and that we're not exclusive.

That response you quote from the forum sounds like a douchebag response. Honestly, would you feel good and honest if you said something like that?
I recommend being honest and direct. Say that you're a late bloomer who used to be shy around women, but that you've overcome it by steadily working on yourself and going out of your comfort zone. And that you're not ready to settle down just yet, but in stead want to date different women, and that you want to settle down with a girl when it feels good and you feel like you can commit knowing for sure that it's what you want and it's the right thing for you. If you say that, she will probably understand you, might even respect your honesty and vulnerability, and maybe she'll keep seeing you while you date other women.

If you do decide to keep seeing her, while keeping it casual, make sure you do actually approach and date other women. Also, don't be obsessed with her, see her many days a week or call her all the time. Then you send clear signals that you ARE serious, and she will interpret it that way.

I'd like to add that I've noticed myself that honestly stating what you want in a situation like this can be a test of your character. It's much easier to go with the flow of the relationship, or let the girl set the pace, just to avoid conflict or tough conversations.

Whether you want to commit to her or you want to see other girls, it can be scary for a recovering nice guy to honestly state how you feel about things and what you want, knowing that what you say may hurt her, piss her off, or cause her to reject you. It requires a great deal of vulnerability, as Mark calls it. But don't let fear keep you from doing what you should be doing..

Really appreciate this, guys. This was the thorough, non-judgmental response I was hoping for. I'm seeing her Friday, so I will gauge that time together to see if I should hold the conversation.

I don't feel like I've led her on. I don't call or text much outside of setting up dates. Haven't done anything very romantic, aside from paying on dates - which feels standard.

The one thing that sends up some flags is that when we were in the car on the morning after, she was very handsey while I was driving. Like, gently rubbing my hair or whatever. It felt pretty good, and I wound up putting my hand on her leg, etc. But it felt relationshippy. I guess I could have playfully told her to stop... but again, I wasn't complaining.

I am a little concerned that I'm developing feelings somewhat quickly because it's been so long...

Thanks again.

"You and I are not even close to being exclusive..." if a guy ever said that to me, that would be the last thing he says. For starters, that is completely rude. Yeah maybe the guy thinks they are not even close, but you have no idea how the girl is feeling, she might think an exclusive relationship is something they are on track for. So to put it this way or in any way similar to this is just shooting yourself in the foot. The diary thing makes you sound like a complete pussy. I would suggest something with a little more conviction and a healthy dose of honesty. Such as "I am not looking for a relationship right now. But I do like you and want to still hang out with you." Not a big deal.

Ultimately you have to do what makes you happy. If you think dating multiple women is what is going to do that for you, then hells yeah do it. If you think continuing seeing this one girl will bring you happiness, then go for it. Don't do what it is you think you are supposed to be doing.. do what your instincts tell you.

From the female perspective, if you tell a girl upfront, like date 1 or 2 or sometime early on that you are not interested in anything serious and just want to casually see her- if that does not match up with her intentions, she will most likely run for the hills. If a girl is a relationship kind of girl, which most of us are, and you tell her that you are not interested in being that, why would she stay? So if she asks you, then yes, be honest with your intentions.. But don't kill your chances by announcing this without being prompted. If she doesn't ask- then don't say it. Ignorance is bliss for her and game for you. ..But she will most likely ask when/if she starts to fall for you and wants to ensure you're on the same level. Honestly, I really disagree with the whole dating multiple women long term kind of thing. It is one thing to do casual dating and take a girl out here and there while perusing others, but to make it long term seems completely insensitive and misleading in my opinion.

Wait!!! What's wrong with just dating her? If she's sexy, you enjoy your time with her, and if she's really cool then wouldn't it be stupid not to?

If you've developed feelings for her then date her. If you don't have monogamous feelings for her then don't.

Be honest.
If she asks if you see other women, say "Yes and I'm not really looking for a monogamous relationship." OR say "Yes, but I'd actually really like to start dating you exclusively."
She may be fine, or she may be not fine and stop seeing you. It's really up to HER.

That's all there is to it brother. There is nothing complex about this situation at all.

I've been at a point where I was seeing three women. They all knew and were fine with it.
Cut to some years later and I started seeing a girl who eventually said she didn't want to keep seeing me if I wasn't looking to be serious. She stopped seeing me.

Quick follow up:

The topic naturally came into conversation - during pillow talk, said she felt she should tell me she was dating other people. When I told her I was as well, I could tell she was a little taken aback. I jokingly said "So it's ok if you date other people, just not if I do?" She said "Noooo, it's just... I don't want to share you..." To which I replied, "So it's ok if you date other people, just not if I do?"

The one thing I need to figure out for myself is if I'm willing to sleep with different girls I'm dating. She clarified that regardless of how many guys she's dating, she'll only sleep with one person. Sleeping with multiple women is an ideal scenario for a guy, but it does feel a little off to me. I know Mark isn't worried about STDs, but that's a concern (especially if I'm sleeping with a woman who is also sleeping with other dudes). And I guess I still associate sex with an emotional connection... just not yet in a place where I'm comfortable slinging it around. The downside is that even if I continue to date other girls, I know it can't get very far physically...

How about you guys?

What's the point of dating multiple women if you aren't trying to have sex with them? Might as well just be friends with them.

It's fine if you don't want to date multiple women. And it's perfectly fine if you're more interested in emotional connection than casual sex. But decide what you want and go for it. If you want to date 3-4 girls, then you should be pushing things with all of them and see where it goes. If you just want one special relationship with one girl, then do that.

And seriously dude... get over the STD thing. It sounds like it's your sexual anxiety talking. If you use condoms there's very little to worry about.

"she clarified that regardless of how many guys she's dating, she'll only sleep with one person"

HAHAHAHAH yeah ok, suuure. She's putting out for you, she's putting out for other guys too.