Giving up a good relationship to improve yourself (learn game)
Ok, so one common theme among a lot of the PUA experts that I've read is that they had some kind of bad relationship experience that pushed them to recognise there own shortcomings and improve themselves at all costs. Often they found that their needy behaviour had pushed the girl away, sometimes to cheating, and eventually they realised that the girl wasn't quite as amazing as they had let themselves believe.
I can see that this would be a great motivation to get out and put the hard work in to improve one's life, but what if you don't get that unwanted kick in the nuts that get's you started. I have had the great misfortune of finding myself in two great relationships in a row with girls who I was extremely attracted to, great sex lives and real love and devotion from her. Yet in both I've found myself feeling the need to end the relationship in order to be able to improve myself and learn how to relate effectively to other humans.
My first relationship started when I was 18 years old. I was a virgin and was forced by my mum to call a girl she worked with as a cleaner, who she assured me was extremely pretty and shared my great taste in music. Amazingly, it turned out she was right, and I begun a great relationship with a true princess of a girl (also a virgin) that lasted nearly 5 years. However, except for the first 1-2 years I spent a lot of time during those 5 years thinking about and reading about 'game' and feeling a strong desire to end the relationship in order to practice what I was reading. I can imagine readers thinking that I obviously mustn't have been as attracted and in love with this girl as I think I was but I know this had nothing to do with that.
I started to read 'game' material (David Deangelo) because I wanted to learn how to pick up girls but I quickly realised that 'game', when done well, was really about helping me become a Confident Man, a man who could look anybody in the eye, wasn't afraid to say what he thought, and commanded attention from those around him. I wanted to feel that when I went out with friends I could have fun talking to strangers (including but not only pretty girls) and not feel like I had nothing to say.
During those 5 years I broke up with her for short periods probably 3 or 4 times for these reasons, but always ended up getting back together, partly because I couldn't bear the devastation that she was going through and partly because being single and alone seems to suddenly not feel like such a good idea once you're actually single and alone. Actually, one time I tried to tell her honestly about my motivations and how I felt that it was something that I had to do before I could honestly commit to something like marriage (which is where it was probably heading), but all she heard, and remembered like an elephant was, "I want to fuck other girls". Suffice to say my opinion of the truth in certain contexts was changed.
Anyway eventually 1-2 months before our 5 year anniversary we broke up once and for all when I moved to Colombia to do a year long academic exchange. Obviously I'd heard a few rumours about the girls and was looking forward to meeting them and enjoying being a single man while improving myself using the 'game' that I'd been studying for so long….Then about 3 days after arriving I met a very pretty local girl through a friend who I began hanging out with a lot. We hooked up once drunk, then kept hanging out as friends but succumbing to temptation every couple of weeks over the period of a couple of months. She made it clear early on that she liked me and wanted a commitment of some sort but I was honest with her and told her that I just got out of a long relationship and didn't want to promise any kind of exclusiveness. Regardless we continued to hang out more and more, and despite agreeing that we weren't dating, were as much the couple as is possible.
I would go out with other friends and be very much be open to meeting other girls but the pretty girls over her do not jump into your lap (despite what you might read on some forums) and me not being as proactive as is necessary and still lacking many of the most basic fundamentals of game (eye contact, posture, aggressiveness) meant that we were in effect maintaining a monogamous relationship, not to mention sleeping in the same bed 4-5 nights a week on average. Despite this I reiterated numerous times that I felt the need to be able to go out to meet new people, each time she told me that she would have to stop seeing me then but some excuse to continue seeing each other always came up and we'd get right back to where we were.
Now I actually did bring someone else home (an interesting experiment in leading and not vocalising the escalation at least) and due to some very bad luck it was necessary to tell her basically straight away, something which has caused her extreme grief and pain. I felt justified at the time given that I'd said many times that I wasn't planning to deny myself opportunities to meet other women but I suppose I recognise also that, despite the words, what we had and what she had invested in me didn't deserve to be treated so frivolously.
This brings my story to today, and here I am wondering if I'm crazy for throwing away another relationship that I recognise as being very good, with another girl that I'm extremely attracted to who loved me and devoted herself to me, in the pursuit of 'game'. I know that if I told her right now that I wanted to be with her and only her, we could be together, and we would have fun like we always have. I admit that i feel very tempted but am I afraid I'll just be lying to us both.
If you made it through all that thank you.
P.s. Despite being very attractive girls, I recognise now that both had very low self-esteem, explaining in part why they've been so invested in me.