I'd love to be able to say that I'm an amazing lover 100% of the time but the reality is that although I can perform very well and have received compliments from all of my 4 (now 24yrs old) sexual partners it does feel like a bit of lucky dip, in that some days I'll be very sensitive and I'll struggle to last more than a few mins and other days I'll feel myself very much in control and be able to pound away to their hearts content, while more often than not it's somewhere in between and with a conscious effort I can make a pretty respectable effort.

Unfortunately I find that I do have a bit of a problem with sexual anxiety and it only takes 1 or 2 "bad" encounters for me to suddenly find myself thinking about it a lot and getting myself nervous the next time, despite the fact that just a week ago I had the same girl dripping in sweat and screaming in ecstasy. I even once, after a string of particularly bad showings with one girl (who I'd already been with a number of very enjoyable times) managed to talk myself out of erections and found myself for the period of about a month losing my erection when showtime arrived. I got over it with viagra, which I think was more of a placebo than anything (only used half and didn't really feel any big difference).

So with that as the background I have a couple of questions:

1. What's the best way to act/things to say if you're with a girl and things don't go as well as you know they could have?

Personally I feel that there's a huge power shift that takes place when the girl isn't satisfied sexually. If you can pound her and leave her panting and gasping for air at the end she becomes the little kitten who wants to curl up on your shoulder and play with your balls, but if not there's a coldness and a feeling that she has the upper hand in deciding whether you'll be getting opportunity to redeem yourself. Maybe this is a bad mind frame that I have, but I don't know. That's why I'm asking.

2. And similarly, how do you respond if she actually comments on her dissatisfaction?

This happened to me just recently with a girl who I have been seeing for months. I've pleased her a lot in the past and she's told me that no-one's made her feel so good and all that kind of stuff but one night recently after what I thought was a reasonable effort she said to me something along the lines of "why are you lazy lately?" (she's colombian and actually said "¿por que eres flojo ultimamente?). This felt like quite a kick in the nuts at the time, partly because she was implying that it wasn't just on this occasion that she wasn't satisfied, but also because I consider myself very aware of the difference between good sex and bad sex and I was being told that what I thought was reasonable was...well just reasonable.

I know it wasn't the best sex ever and she told me later that it was good but that the last couple times hadn't been as good as the times before that. I wasted a lot of time lying in bed awake after that trying to decide if she was being a selfish bitch for complaining that it wasn't as amazing as it can be. If I had a right to get pissed off. Was it the harmless little remark she says she meant it to be. Should I just tell her bad luck and act like I don't care. Or should I actually not care.

All this does play on my mind a lot because obviously I lack experience and I do find anxiety about sex something that hold's me back in my pickup and no doubt holds me back from acting honestly on my desires when it comes to escalating the interaction.

Honestly I think your outlook on sex might be a little skewed - you seem to be putting a lot of pressure on yourself to "do your job" and pleasure your partner, but sex should be about immersion and mutual gratification through action. Mark has several blog posts on sex you should check out - also read The Sex God Method by Daniel Rose, which is really good at letting you know the right mindset for good sex.

(08-03-2011 02:36 PM)delito Wrote:  I'd love to be able to say that I'm an amazing lover 100% of the time but the reality is that although I can perform very well and have received compliments from all of my 4 (now 24yrs old) sexual partners it does feel like a bit of lucky dip, in that some days I'll be very sensitive and I'll struggle to last more than a few mins and other days I'll feel myself very much in control and be able to pound away to their hearts content, while more often than not it's somewhere in between and with a conscious effort I can make a pretty respectable effort.

Unfortunately I find that I do have a bit of a problem with sexual anxiety and it only takes 1 or 2 "bad" encounters for me to suddenly find myself thinking about it a lot and getting myself nervous the next time, despite the fact that just a week ago I had the same girl dripping in sweat and screaming in ecstasy. I even once, after a string of particularly bad showings with one girl (who I'd already been with a number of very enjoyable times) managed to talk myself out of erections and found myself for the period of about a month losing my erection when showtime arrived. I got over it with viagra, which I think was more of a placebo than anything (only used half and didn't really feel any big difference).

So with that as the background I have a couple of questions:

1. What's the best way to act/things to say if you're with a girl and things don't go as well as you know they could have?

Personally I feel that there's a huge power shift that takes place when the girl isn't satisfied sexually. If you can pound her and leave her panting and gasping for air at the end she becomes the little kitten who wants to curl up on your shoulder and play with your balls, but if not there's a coldness and a feeling that she has the upper hand in deciding whether you'll be getting opportunity to redeem yourself. Maybe this is a bad mind frame that I have, but I don't know. That's why I'm asking.

2. And similarly, how do you respond if she actually comments on her dissatisfaction?

This happened to me just recently with a girl who I have been seeing for months. I've pleased her a lot in the past and she's told me that no-one's made her feel so good and all that kind of stuff but one night recently after what I thought was a reasonable effort she said to me something along the lines of "why are you lazy lately?" (she's colombian and actually said "¿por que eres flojo ultimamente?). This felt like quite a kick in the nuts at the time, partly because she was implying that it wasn't just on this occasion that she wasn't satisfied, but also because I consider myself very aware of the difference between good sex and bad sex and I was being told that what I thought was reasonable was...well just reasonable.

I know it wasn't the best sex ever and she told me later that it was good but that the last couple times hadn't been as good as the times before that. I wasted a lot of time lying in bed awake after that trying to decide if she was being a selfish bitch for complaining that it wasn't as amazing as it can be. If I had a right to get pissed off. Was it the harmless little remark she says she meant it to be. Should I just tell her bad luck and act like I don't care. Or should I actually not care.

All this does play on my mind a lot because obviously I lack experience and I do find anxiety about sex something that hold's me back in my pickup and no doubt holds me back from acting honestly on my desires when it comes to escalating the interaction.

Wow man. You some up the way I feel about sex almost exactly, and you sum it up a lot more cogently then I could.

I find its weird, as some girls seem to think I am some kind of sex god, and then the next week its not great at all. It definitely fluctuates. I guess there is 'sexual' chemistry/compatibility. Some girls will love you in bed, others wont. Of course the more experience you have the more likely it is that you will please her generally.

The last girl I slept with was a virgin. It was awkward, messy, and crap. And I felt just as inexperienced as her weirdly. But then before, I slept with a more experienced girl and we both had a really good time.

I guess fundamentally a lot of it comes down to communication. If she says she isn't satisfied, ask her why not, what she would like etc.

At the same time, don't think about it too much. If she is complaining about sex but isn't being constructive about it then there is only so much you can do.

I also have fears about premature ejaculation, especially in the mornings damn, their pussy always feels 5 times hotter, just seems impossible not to come earlier then usual. When Im drunk I can always last reasonable times, sober though, I need to improve.

(08-03-2011 02:36 PM)delito Wrote:  1. What's the best way to act/things to say if you're with a girl and things don't go as well as you know they could have?

Personally I feel that there's a huge power shift that takes place when the girl isn't satisfied sexually. If you can pound her and leave her panting and gasping for air at the end she becomes the little kitten who wants to curl up on your shoulder and play with your balls, but if not there's a coldness and a feeling that she has the upper hand in deciding whether you'll be getting opportunity to redeem yourself. Maybe this is a bad mind frame that I have, but I don't know. That's why I'm asking.

I feel your pain on all accounts man. It's something that happens to the best of us. The last girl I was with for a month straight we hooked up 4-6 times a week. She kept saying how great it was and started begging for it bc I couldn't keep up.

Then when I actually started developing feelings/caring for this girl I started losing it a few minutes after I put the condom on. This happened twice and she freaked out on me. That was the end of things for us but I completely understand what your saying about the coldness feeling and that she now has the upper hand once you mess up once. It doesn't happen so much with women I don't care about... its always when I put a lot of anxiety on myself to perform.

I've read a lot of Marks posts on sex and The Sex God Method... all good stuff but what it comes down to is relaxing and not putting so much pressure on performance. It's going to happen sometimes and many times you can't control it. The key is to be a man about it, never apologize to the woman and do something else for her. Hopefully she understands and if she doesn't... next

Fuck her the way you want to fuck her. She'll enjoy it if you're enjoying yourself much more if you're not overly concerned with pleasing her.

Thank you all for the replies. I'll admit that it's reassuring just to know that I'm not the only one thinking this way. It's true that I put a lot of pressure on my self to "perform". I've always genuinely received a lot of satisfaction from making my partner feel good, but I'm starting to question whether this is not a reflection of the anxiety and the validation I feel when I "perform" well. I'm starting to wonder if cultivating the mindset promoted by rooshv (http://www.rooshv.com/it-doesnt-matter-i...ms-or-not) will help me. I don't think it would be easy, telling myself I don't care is one thing but actually not caring isn't really a logical choice that can be made instantly.

BrB, that chick leaving you like that sounds pretty low to me. I know that it would have really killed me if the girl I was with had the same reaction. Kind of gives me more motivation to detach myself from the opinions of others. So much of this game shit seems to be about learning to not care what other people think paradoxically giving you the outcomes that you were worrying about in the first place.

I'll check out the Daniel Rose book as well. Thanks Trickster.

Unless she's your girlfriend you shouldn't really care. We all have "on" nights and we all have "off" nights. I've literally had one night where I absolutely rocked some chicks world for 30 minutes and then two nights later could barely keep it up for 2 minutes before getting bored and rolling over.

Sex has a million variables going for it, and you're not always going to be on point, so you should just let it go and not worry about it.

It is like with success in many other areas of life: It is all in your head. Confucius once said "Both, he who says he can't and he who says he can are usually right."

If you are worried about failing, you won't have much success.

The most important thing I learnt about sex and women in general is to just stop thinking and enjoy the moment instead, whether you are talking to hear in the club or are having sex. Just empty your mind and let it flow. Or in other words: Just don't give a shit about anything. Stop worrying what she or other people think or how the night runs out and just live the moment.

Also, foreplay a lot, which somehow evolves from stop thinking and just enjoying the moment. You almost can't foreplay too long. Really get her to that point that she is almost begging you to stick it in. I find nothing more erotic than a woman who is really horny and on the contrary nothing is a bigger turn-off than her being frigid or not completely wet. The key is to make her feel really relaxed and comfortable with you.

Extropy definitely has the right idea. The more you can frame sex as something you're doing together to feel good, rather than putting all the pressure on yourself to give her orgasms, the more comfortable you'll be. Foreplay and teasing are awesome and not just for women.

And yeah, how good the sex is is ridiculously variable. I know there's some guys out there who think I'm incredible in bed and others who think I was probably kinda boring. And they're both right, really.

A specific move I've found that helps ward off the point of no return, particularly for girls who enjoy being dominated is: With her on top, use one hand to pin her arms behind her back (hard to explain exactly how without a diagram, but it's doable). This should enable you to keep her clamped down on your dick but not moving. Use your other hand to rub her clit. Make her beg you to keep fucking her.

This has the triple effect of stopping the thrusting to let you cool off a bit, hopefully speeding up her own orgasm from the clit rubbing, and also being really fucking hot. You're welcome.

(08-06-2011 10:03 PM)FirstAidKit Wrote:  Extropy definitely has the right idea. The more you can frame sex as something you're doing together to feel good, rather than putting all the pressure on yourself to give her orgasms, the more comfortable you'll be. Foreplay and teasing are awesome and not just for women.

And yeah, how good the sex is is ridiculously variable. I know there's some guys out there who think I'm incredible in bed and others who think I was probably kinda boring. And they're both right, really.

A specific move I've found that helps ward off the point of no return, particularly for girls who enjoy being dominated is: With her on top, use one hand to pin her arms behind her back (hard to explain exactly how without a diagram, but it's doable). This should enable you to keep her clamped down on your dick but not moving. Use your other hand to rub her clit. Make her beg you to keep fucking her.

This has the triple effect of stopping the thrusting to let you cool off a bit, hopefully speeding up her own orgasm from the clit rubbing, and also being really fucking hot. You're welcome.

^
this thread = HOT