I haven't been in the game too long, but I've noticed a pretty troubling trend with my date game - I can get numbers, I go on dates, I even go on 2nd dates, but for some reason girls beg off. I always make a move - I make out with most of the dates I go on, but something invariably happens which gets in the way of sex and/or a relationship. I'm not sure of what I'm doing wrong.

At first I thought it was because I wasn't connecting with a girl emotionally, but then I went on a date with a girl and we started talking about our depression issues and she even cried. I've never had any trouble revealing myself to my dates and connecting with them on a personal level, but for some reason, it doesn't seem to work.

I am at something of a loss.

What is your logistical situation on these dates? Do you end up at a place conducive to sex?

I usually end up at my place, where I always escalate to making out. Almost invariably, girls will end it before I can push to consummation.

Something that stood out to me about this is that you talked about your depression on, what I am assuming was a first or second date. It is one thing to open up, but another to give too much information. I can recall one date I went on a bit back where the guy told me about his IBS. Did I want to see him again.. No. That was not the only factor, but it was a big contributor. More so that he brought up such a "shitty" conversation topic and how it completely put me off than the fact that he actually had IBS. So, Do you really think telling a girl you are clinically depressed is going to turn her on? Probably not. It is good that you are opening up, but tell her about something not quite so personal right off the bat.

Each girl is different, so no one can tell you why these girls won't sleep with you and/or continuing dating you to form a relationship. It might have nothing to do with your game though, maybe you just have not gone out with a girl recently who you click with and who clicks with you. i.e. it's not your game, its you.

All I can tell you is to make each date fun, not just boring dinner at a restaurant or drink at a local bar- make it unique and a good time. Whether you are just looking for a hookup with a girl, or something more serious, in each case you have to put in your time. So even if a girl doesn't have an initial spark or feel any chemistry right away, at least if she has fun with you on your dates, she will be more inclined to agree to a second date and so on. Then, as she spends more time with you, she will begin to feel comfortable, and we all know that the more we see someone and get to know them, the more attractive they become to us. And then BAM! invite her over for date number 4 or so, give her a glass of wine and you should be golden.

As far as your issue with bringing girls home, having a makeout sesh and then her cutting it short before it escalates to "consummation" as you so scientifically put it lol.. if this in the beginning of a fling, the girl might be doing this because she likes you and sees something a possibility of a relationship. Ever heard the term "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" Well it is basically a rule of thumb for us girls. We think that if we give it up to early, then that's it, things won't escalate into a real relationship. Whether this theory has any merit to it, I don't know. But I have heard it time and time again. Girls are very perceptive when it comes to seeing whether a guy has intentions to just get laid or to is looking for something more. So if you are sending off the "more" signals, homegirls might keep their legs closed in the beginning so as to not shoot themselves in the foot.

The one thing that's raising a red flag for me right away is the fact that you discussed your depression with your date. You want to connect with people in a positive way, and your date remembering that she started crying about her depression while she was out with you is not going to leave a favourable impression in her mind.

I can only imagine from your continued lack of success that you must have a problem revealing these kinds of things too early on, on a fairly regular basis.

So that depression talk was actually a 2nd date and that was a one time thing - we only talked about it because she mentioned her history first and it sorta went from there. I usually don't pour my guts out on my dates, but I do try to be "real" with my dates, and tell them who I really am, and show them that sometimes that history isn't always pretty or perfect. It's also not a "I want to get laid as an ends" thing as many of these girls don't return my calls after the fact.

Though, perhaps I'm too intense and not "fun" enough, and I can get behind that. I think that next time, I'll be taking them on "fun" dates - like concerts, or bowling, or whatever.

I think you can talk about your history of depression with a girl and still get laid. I think you can talk about anything and still get laid. It's about how you see the topic and how you discuss it. I remember really connecting with my ex after I opened up about how I had gone through depression and the other emotional issues I had dealt with at the same time. Another time she told me about her own struggle with it. Both discussions brought us closer together and helped us understand each other better.

It's probably a little more tricky when you're still experiencing those issues, but still possible. Firstly, you need to be bringing it up from a place of genuinely wanting to share and expose yourself to her, not for any sort of sympathy or to put any false impressions out there. The reason I first discussed my period of depression with my ex was because I reacted to something private she told me with a lot of judgment and she exploded and we got into a fight. It was only because I was able to open up and explain the reason that I had been so judgmental and how it related back to the period of time when I was depressed that we were able to connect about it. It was where my judgment of her actions had stemmed from, and so it was very relevant for me to bring it up and explain to her. If I had brought it up without that context, it might have been for the wrong reasons. And she was a very accepting person, so she understood me and accepted that about me.

Secondly, you need to really communicate how it relates to the person you are, and by extension what that means for her. If you can show her that you're not looking for her to lighten your emotional load or using her as a form of escapism, she'll be more open to it. Of course some girls are going to be so judgmental that it'll be reason enough for them to stop seeing you. You're better off without them. As Mark has noted, it takes a high level of self-esteem to reserve judgment on people.

If otherwise she's attracted to you and feels a connection with you, then a girl is unlikely to turn you down simply because of the fact that you're currently depressed. What she might turn you down for is the reasons you bring it up, how it affects you, and if it's going to change the situation between you and her. As with anything, it's less about the content than the intent.

As for dealing with that girl crying about her depression, that's about being able to deal with her emotions. Like I said before, it takes self-esteem to not judge people in light of facts like that. How would you want someone to respond if you opened up about yourself and discussed something like that? Them saying 'oh yeah that must be terrible' isn't going to really cut it. But if they put effort in to understand you, and then shared something obviously personal to them that related to your issue, you'd likely feel understood and appreciated. That's what a girl wants from you.

Really this is all about dealing with emotions, both hers and your own. And for a better explanation of that... I can recommend Mark's book.

Personally I have similar problems. I've had a fair amount of casual sex with girls over the years. No particular problem approaching girls day/night. No particular problem esculating, taking girls back to mine or whatever, no particular problems getting casual sex/ONS.

However in terms of a proper relationship, nothing has sprouted for ages. Whether this is due to me on some level subconciously, or just not meeting the right girl, I don't know, or whether the way I set things up are too possibly too geared for ONS/casual sex as opposed to relationships. But thats my kind of pattern. No problem meeting girls initially, or getting action, but problems finding/developing a relationship.

If you're not having any problems getting them back to yours and making out, but then it goes cold... not the most pleasant thought to have to think of, but maybe your making out is putting them off? I don't really like to call anyone an objectively bad kisser, as everyone has different preferences..... but I wouldn't sleep with someone I'd consider a bad kisser. From my anecdata this seems to be more of a dealbreaker for women than men, though as with all anecdata it could be wrong.

The main things to keep in mind is good fresh breath (actually brush your teeth lots don't just chew gum that is gross) and take your cues from her with regards to saliva/amount of tongue/pressure. She wants to tongue wrestle? Tongue wrestle! Or does she prefer more lip contact with nibbling? (that one is mine!). Of course, I don't personally know you or your dates, so this might not be the issue at all.

Another possibility is that you are trying to escalate faster than she is comfortable with. There's been a couple of times I was initially very attracted to someone, and went back to theirs, but they kept trying to push it further than I wanted repeatedly and obnoxiously. Disregarding my boundaries is a pretty big dealbreaker for me.

(07-21-2011 04:20 AM)youregettingitwrong Wrote:  Something that stood out to me about this is that you talked about your depression on, what I am assuming was a first or second date. It is one thing to open up, but another to give too much information. I can recall one date I went on a bit back where the guy told me about his IBS. Did I want to see him again.. No. That was not the only factor, but it was a big contributor. More so that he brought up such a "shitty" conversation topic and how it completely put me off than the fact that he actually had IBS. So, Do you really think telling a girl you are clinically depressed is going to turn her on? Probably not. It is good that you are opening up, but tell her about something not quite so personal right off the bat.

Each girl is different, so no one can tell you why these girls won't sleep with you and/or continuing dating you to form a relationship. It might have nothing to do with your game though, maybe you just have not gone out with a girl recently who you click with and who clicks with you. i.e. it's not your game, its you.

All I can tell you is to make each date fun, not just boring dinner at a restaurant or drink at a local bar- make it unique and a good time. Whether you are just looking for a hookup with a girl, or something more serious, in each case you have to put in your time. So even if a girl doesn't have an initial spark or feel any chemistry right away, at least if she has fun with you on your dates, she will be more inclined to agree to a second date and so on. Then, as she spends more time with you, she will begin to feel comfortable, and we all know that the more we see someone and get to know them, the more attractive they become to us. And then BAM! invite her over for date number 4 or so, give her a glass of wine and you should be golden.

As far as your issue with bringing girls home, having a makeout sesh and then her cutting it short before it escalates to "consummation" as you so scientifically put it lol.. if this in the beginning of a fling, the girl might be doing this because she likes you and sees something a possibility of a relationship. Ever heard the term "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" Well it is basically a rule of thumb for us girls. We think that if we give it up to early, then that's it, things won't escalate into a real relationship. Whether this theory has any merit to it, I don't know. But I have heard it time and time again. Girls are very perceptive when it comes to seeing whether a guy has intentions to just get laid or to is looking for something more. So if you are sending off the "more" signals, homegirls might keep their legs closed in the beginning so as to not shoot themselves in the foot.

Hey 'youregettingitwrong',
LOL at a guy telling you about his IBS on a date! Unbelieveable! By the way, I don't mean to hijack the thread or anything, but this next statement really spoke to me, "we all know that the more we see someone and get to know them, the more attractive they become to us."
This is personally how I become attracted to girls also, (provided they meet my threshold on looks) but nearly all dating advice tell's guys to make a move early or else they will fall into the friend zone. So how can the friend zone be reconciled with your previous statement? Or is it a myth that girl's can't feel attracted to you if you are in the friend zone?
Cheers