(06-29-2011 11:11 AM)Mark Wrote: It's also a symptom of sexual anxiety.
Truth. Probably my biggest and truest sticking point. Know I can do everything up to that point fine, but I question whether I can get it up and rock her world, and when I question one, neither happens.
Defo working on this aspect, and is the next/current big project.
Quote:I'd agree with it probably being sexual anxiety. I remember when I lost my virginity I was so nervous that I literally felt no pleasure. Then I freaked out and thought I might be gay. Made my girlfriend cry because I told her that and she thought we might break up, had a long pensive walk along the waterfront, and worried about it non stop until the next day when we tried things again (with her on top) and it was the greatest experience of my life thus far. Ah, to be 17 again...
Feel you on the gay thing man. Had a lot of scares/ questioning after those limp nights. Thing is, it's one of those things where trying more and failing reinforces the bad belief. Am playing around with slowing things down and just cuddling/ longer timeframes/ days if need be. Shall see.
Just like there are fixed notions of how "good game" should like and it pressure some guys in a certain way (thus all the weird incongruent behaviors in the community) there is a notion of how "good sex" should look like - dominant muscled man slapping the little girl hard, pulling her hair, dirty talk, her repeating it amidst moans and muffled orgasms - which pressures some guys having sex in a similar way.
As of now, I'm one of those guys, and in both cases, everything outside the framework of "what good is supposed to look like and be" is considered incorrect. I couldn't help but relate to what Eros said above about him feeling no pleasure, and then the girl mounting him, her becoming the DOM, and him having the best experience of his life. Feel like this shit happens to me all the time:
Just last night ended up in bed with a friend of a friend and I go for her pants and she is like "I don't want to go there yet/tonight". That was legit as she was 18, despite being Swedish, and that I met her a few hours ago (I'm 23, don't hate). But truthfully, I felt extremely relieved as I felt the power shortage already - and this completely sober, no alcohol for 3 weeks.
Then I did all the David Shade stuff with our underwear on, locking her arms behind her head, pinning her into the bed, dirty talk, whispering into her ear, making her repeat shit and she loved it. Me? Not so much, felt like work really.
Then I laid back, rested, she went on top of me and did what I was doing to her, kissing my neck, licking my ears etc. Did I like this? Fuck yeah, like a thousand times better. Did she like it as much? There's no way to tell but probably not. Does a dominant girl on top kissing the ear of a limp submissive guy lying down fit into the quintessential definition of what looks like rockstar sex anywhere? No.
So I mounted her again, went to work again, made her repeat to me what I was saying and she blurted out "I like it when you're rough with me". Fuck, I know she did. Thing is, I didn't really enjoy being rough with her.
To cap everything off, when we were sleeping, I was facing away from her and she hugs me from the back and kinda spoons me, and this felt better than me spooning her from the outside and I thought "Am I a fucking chick?".
What is weird is that once I'm 100% comfortable/ connected with a girl - and that happens months down the line, or when I've been having sex with her A LOT for weeks at a time - I actually like being dominant, masculine and doing all the things that make "good sex" up. All the things that felt like a script and that I didn't enjoy doing above, I actually do start enjoying once I feel connected to a girl.
Why the shift? I don't know.
To sum things up. Yes, spot on - sexual anxiety. What am I doing about it? Slowing things down massively in bed, connecting more and spending more daytime/ chilling things with girls. Don't know if it's a legit plan, but shall see.
Feel like I hijacked this thread, but yeah, power failure is a bitch.