I'd agree with it probably being sexual anxiety. I remember when I lost my virginity I was so nervous that I literally felt no pleasure. Then I freaked out and thought I might be gay. Made my girlfriend cry because I told her that and she thought we might break up, had a long pensive walk along the waterfront, and worried about it non stop until the next day when we tried things again (with her on top) and it was the greatest experience of my life thus far. Ah, to be 17 again...

So my philosophical advice is to focus on enjoying things (which is about as helpful as piece of advice as 'just be yourself'), and my practical advice is to ask the girl to go on top. And go fucking crazy.

(06-29-2011 11:11 AM)Mark Wrote:  It's also a symptom of sexual anxiety.

Very very true for me. I always feel some nervousness when with a girl for the first time. Definitely doesn't help matters.

(06-29-2011 11:11 AM)Mark Wrote:  It's also a symptom of sexual anxiety.

Truth. Probably my biggest and truest sticking point. Know I can do everything up to that point fine, but I question whether I can get it up and rock her world, and when I question one, neither happens.

Defo working on this aspect, and is the next/current big project.

Quote:I'd agree with it probably being sexual anxiety. I remember when I lost my virginity I was so nervous that I literally felt no pleasure. Then I freaked out and thought I might be gay. Made my girlfriend cry because I told her that and she thought we might break up, had a long pensive walk along the waterfront, and worried about it non stop until the next day when we tried things again (with her on top) and it was the greatest experience of my life thus far. Ah, to be 17 again...

Feel you on the gay thing man. Had a lot of scares/ questioning after those limp nights. Thing is, it's one of those things where trying more and failing reinforces the bad belief. Am playing around with slowing things down and just cuddling/ longer timeframes/ days if need be. Shall see.

Just like there are fixed notions of how "good game" should like and it pressure some guys in a certain way (thus all the weird incongruent behaviors in the community) there is a notion of how "good sex" should look like - dominant muscled man slapping the little girl hard, pulling her hair, dirty talk, her repeating it amidst moans and muffled orgasms - which pressures some guys having sex in a similar way.

As of now, I'm one of those guys, and in both cases, everything outside the framework of "what good is supposed to look like and be" is considered incorrect. I couldn't help but relate to what Eros said above about him feeling no pleasure, and then the girl mounting him, her becoming the DOM, and him having the best experience of his life. Feel like this shit happens to me all the time:

Just last night ended up in bed with a friend of a friend and I go for her pants and she is like "I don't want to go there yet/tonight". That was legit as she was 18, despite being Swedish, and that I met her a few hours ago (I'm 23, don't hate). But truthfully, I felt extremely relieved as I felt the power shortage already - and this completely sober, no alcohol for 3 weeks.

Then I did all the David Shade stuff with our underwear on, locking her arms behind her head, pinning her into the bed, dirty talk, whispering into her ear, making her repeat shit and she loved it. Me? Not so much, felt like work really.

Then I laid back, rested, she went on top of me and did what I was doing to her, kissing my neck, licking my ears etc. Did I like this? Fuck yeah, like a thousand times better. Did she like it as much? There's no way to tell but probably not. Does a dominant girl on top kissing the ear of a limp submissive guy lying down fit into the quintessential definition of what looks like rockstar sex anywhere? No.

So I mounted her again, went to work again, made her repeat to me what I was saying and she blurted out "I like it when you're rough with me". Fuck, I know she did. Thing is, I didn't really enjoy being rough with her.

To cap everything off, when we were sleeping, I was facing away from her and she hugs me from the back and kinda spoons me, and this felt better than me spooning her from the outside and I thought "Am I a fucking chick?".

What is weird is that once I'm 100% comfortable/ connected with a girl - and that happens months down the line, or when I've been having sex with her A LOT for weeks at a time - I actually like being dominant, masculine and doing all the things that make "good sex" up. All the things that felt like a script and that I didn't enjoy doing above, I actually do start enjoying once I feel connected to a girl.

Why the shift? I don't know.

To sum things up. Yes, spot on - sexual anxiety. What am I doing about it? Slowing things down massively in bed, connecting more and spending more daytime/ chilling things with girls. Don't know if it's a legit plan, but shall see.

Feel like I hijacked this thread, but yeah, power failure is a bitch.

I was thinking about what may cause your preference for being dominated over being dominant. Of course, you might be one of the guys who actually prefers to be submissive. But there's also a big chance that you do not enjoy being dominant for other reasons.

When you are dominant, you take all responsibility, for your pleasure and hers. When you let go of control and she takes the lead, you can relax completely and you don't have to think about anything, and you can just enjoy the sensations. Being dominant may be associated with pressure to perform, pressure to act in a certain way, pressure to give her incredible pleasure. You may feel forced to act in a certain way; in a way that you may not even want to act at that time.

I have also practiced all the David Shade stuff. Being dominant and using dirty talk and so on work. Yet I always felt that I didn't get so much satisfaction from it. It clicked when I read the Sex God Method. One of the key variables for good sex is "Immersion". Being able to let go and lose yourself in the moment. But for me sex was technical. I was always focused on doing the right thing and giving her pleasure, to the point where I wasn't expressing my innate masculine sexuality, even though I was being dominant.

Yet the funny thing is, that when you do let go and immerse yourself in the moment, you may do the exact same thing (i.e. take the lead, be dominant and talk dirty), but it comes from a different place. You aren't using techniques that you know, intellectually, to be effective, but you are expressing your own sexual desires.

Quote:What is weird is that once I'm 100% comfortable/ connected with a girl - and that happens months down the line, or when I've been having sex with her A LOT for weeks at a time - I actually like being dominant, masculine and doing all the things that make "good sex" up. All the things that felt like a script and that I didn't enjoy doing above, I actually do start enjoying once I feel connected to a girl.

The above quote makes it clear that you probably have something going on like I did. I'm still learning, but now I focus on satisfying my own desires during sex and losing myself in it. Try being more "selfish" for a while. Get in touch with your sexuality. That doesn't mean you shouldn't give her pleasure. It turns me on to give a girl pleasure, and it may turn you on as well. Just do it not from the perspective of doing the "right thing", but from the perspective of doing whatever the hell you want to do with her.

This limpness only happens a few minutes after the condom is on. When it's off I have no problems with anxiety or anything for that matter. I am a machine without a condom. I realize that it's not safe so what I've been trying to do is masturbate for a while then put a condom on and continue until I finish. Seems to be helping quite a bit.

Philip,

You nailed it buddy. Glad to know I'm not alone on this one and someone else is in the process of fixing the same problem (not that I wish this on anyone lol)

Quote:When you are dominant, you take all responsibility, for your pleasure and hers. When you let go of control and she takes the lead, you can relax completely and you don't have to think about anything, and you can just enjoy the sensations.

Exactly this. It's more about responsibility than dominance for me, and that's what causes all the lack of immersion. I don't mind being dominant, as long as I feel like the sex doesn't 100% hang on me, or I can't enjoy it. But then again, if she's pinned down, unable to move (but liking it), the quality of the sex does all hang on me, technically. I'm thinking sometimes: "So aside from being receptive, what DO girls actually DO in this position?" lol

It changes when I'm comfy with the girl and got nothing left to prove, but it's been a while since that happened in bed and it takes a while to get there.

Quote:Just do it not from the perspective of doing the "right thing", but from the perspective of doing whatever the hell you want to do with her.

Truth. Kinda like letting go of routines after acquiring baseline competency with women and doing/ talking about whatever the hell you want with them. All the dominance/dirty talk still feels like a routine to me, and yeah, the way out of that is playing around between what I feel I should do and really want to do till I find the right balance. The solution, like you said, is probably being more like a normal dude and just doing way more things to get my rocks off in bed for the immersion, or because I want it that way with her.

You nailed it man, word.

I can relate to all of the stuff you guys are talking about. I have such huge performance anxiety that for a long time, I had to be pretty much 100% comfortable with a girl before I could even get a hard on. I went through a whole 2 months of dating a girl in highschool where I could NOT get it up around her I was so deep inside my own head. No joke.

For a long time, I couldn't get hard my first time fooling around and I wouldn't even let girls touch my junk because I knew it would be soft and they would think 'wtf?'

I basically just started buying Viagra under the table and always keeping it on me when I go out .. just in case.