How do you learn to value your own opinion about yourself higher than the opinion of others?

Is this question just another way of phrasing validation seeking behaviour? (We had a post about that.)

Is it really critical?

And is it narcism to learn that or just healthy?

(05-28-2011 03:57 AM)saito Wrote:  How do you learn to value your own opinion about yourself higher than the opinion of others?

Just give a shit...


Seriously, what boosted my self confidence the most:
- travelling
- experience with girls and thus rejection
- living according to my own goals and values, i.e. living the life i want

Do things for yourself. Learn a hobby. Study something. Exercise. Do things for yourself and nobody else. Do things for no other reason than that they make you happy.

This question is literally the polar opposite of me. I sometime think i value myself and my own opinion too much, to the point of being sturbond. I actually wants to be a little more flexible and see point of view from other people.

You value yourself once you start taking the lead. Chances are, in real life, you probably let people dictate and lead you around. Whenever i get a group of friends together, guess who's doing the thinking...me. Once you start having this mentality, you start to value yourself.

saito asks how we can value our own opinions of ourselves higher than others' opinions of ourselves. I've been kind of struggling with this too. An "insecure" person is not secure about his self-image; if someone thinks he's ugly, then the insecure person thinks "OMG, I'm ugly". His self-image is defined by what other people think of him. It's not even that he values his own opinion less. He just doesn't know what to think about himself, so he looks externally for cues.

I really used to be like this. I didn't know what the hell my value was. So I had to turn to others to see what it was. Especially with regards to girls and dating. If a girl thinks I am unattractive, I thought, then that must mean that I AM unattractive (after all, they're the judges right?). In effect, this means that rejection by a girl doesn't just mean rejection by that girl, but it means that you are unattractive IN GENERAL. It's absolute rejection. Which makes this whole ordeal quite harsh for the insecure guy. Every single woman walking the earth has the ability to single-handedly make or break his self-esteem.

Although I've come a long way from my previous insecure self, in my mind I still find it hard to unite the views of "I am an awesome guy" and "Person X thinks I am fucking pathetic". Or if that one is too easy, "Many people think I'm pathetic". Then how do you still believe that you are awesome?

I know the insecure thinking has flaws. And I don't believe many people think I'm pathetic. But I have difficulty breaking the old paradigm myself.

Would appreciate some input to break the old paradigm and get a better one.