It's easy to don't be heart broken when you deal with a girl that you don't like or that you don't know that well or a girl that you just met through cold approach, but how about when you really like the girl, when you are infatuated, when you FANTASIZE about being with her, spending time with her, which I think it's normal and sane. Where's the middle ground? I don't want to become a robot and don't express my feelings because I'm afraid about getting hurt and at the same time I know I can't get head over heels because I have to control myself and don't scare the girl, besides USUALLY the girl has a process to trust you. Or everything boils down to taking the risk and see what happens? How do you guys protect your heart?

Don't protect it.

Feel whatever you want, just don't always let your emotions dictate your actions. You need to be OK with being hurt. That's called maturity.

I'm kind of the exact opposite of Mark. I protect my heart by avoiding relationships like the plague. My cure for lonliness is good female friends who act like girlfriends minus the labels. I'm at a point in my life right now where I've been hurt so badly that I'll do anything to avoid making myself vulnerable like that again. I'm sure it can only last for so long but, hey, you asked

It's one thing to be hurt because your long term girlfriend broke it off with you. But you are talking about something totally different. It's not healthy to live in a fantasy world about a girl you don;t have a relationship with. Don't get ahead of yourself with girls who you don't have a relationship with.

I understand what you are saying, of course the pain is not gonna be the same when you compare it with a LTR, but when you like somebody you want to be with that person, you dream about her. IDK, it's difficult for me to explain what I want to say. In the beginning of a POTENTIAL relationship everybody is protecting his/her heart, it's like walking on quicksand, you are not sure if you are walking on firm ground. Or like I heard once from a girl talking about a guy she was seeing: we are not dating, dating, you know. But I think in the beginning of a POTENTIAL relationship with somebody you need that drive to pursue her, to go after her, called infatuation, yeah, it's not totally real but you need that to move forward. You can understand what I'm trying to say when you pursue a woman that you don't like that much, if I have sex with her it's ok, if I don't have sex with her it's ok too because I don't care. BUT when you like somebody you care! It's hard to be cold when you like somebody, I'm trying to find the middle ground between infatuation and coldness, maybe it's called: Interest. I was trying to control myself with a girl that I really like and could notice how I lost interest, I don't want to reach that point. Yes, nothing has happened yet between us but you have to have desire for a girl to pursue her, otherwise why bother? And yes, you can get hurt in that process. This is very common. A lot of people get jealous or insecure when the another person they are interested in is close to somebody else, for example. You can see their fear all over their faces, it's common, natural, even though you are not in a LTR with that person.

(05-24-2011 01:20 AM)Jon Wrote:  It's one thing to be hurt because your long term girlfriend broke it off with you. But you are talking about something totally different. It's not healthy to live in a fantasy world about a girl you don;t have a relationship with. Don't get ahead of yourself with girls who you don't have a relationship with.

It is common, but it is not healthy, and there are tons of people who are perfectly capable of not getting infatuated with women they don't know well. Stop fantasizing about women, and keep a level of objectivity. She might not be who you think she is. Keep that in mind until you get to know a woman well. It's not healthy or mature to put women on a pedestal who you aren't that serious about.

Leo, I have to admit that I've had the same problem in the past. When you're so into a girl that when she's not around, you're always thinking about her or txting her and when she is around, you never want her to leave. I get it. It's called falling for her. But try not to put your heart on the line until you know she feels the same way. If you put yourself out on a limb right away, without knowing how she feels, you could very easily get crushed. It's best to be a little guaraded in this case, difficult though it may be.

Until you open yourself and accept the possibility of being hurt and knowing that it's OK to be hurt, you're going to always end up being needy. Vulnerability, counter-intuitively, brings people closer to you and improves all current relationships.

The thing is, when do you allow yourself to be vulnerable around a girl, and to what degree? It's a bit of a catch 22 situation. Will the vulnerability be attractive to her, or come off as needy and weak? Maybe, the phrase "emotionally attached", is more appropriate than "vulnerable". Any thoughts?

Vulnerability has nothing to do with attraction, although it often gets confused for weakness or neediness. Vulnerability simply means being honest about your intentions and completely accepting that you may get rejected or hurt and that that's OK.

Emotional attachment has more to do with emotional investment, which unless you've been with a girl for a while, you should have less of.