So here's my story....

I'm 20 years old, just finished my first year of college. Almost 2 years ago a relationship ended with a girl whom i had been with since highschool, and aftera few months of sitting in the basement consuming copious amounts of alcohol, i finally felt like i was back in the loop again, so to speak. I had a gym membership and was working out regularily, was going out on a regular basis and starting to have some success with women again and generally feeling that I was totally over my ex girlfriend. Needless to say, I was very optimistic about being single again and at this point had no intentions of tying myself down, especially considering my impending entry into the college community.

However, after meeting one specific girl at a bar and developing a "friends with benefits" type relationship with her in the beginning, I eventually realized that I had feelings for her. The chemistry that we had then, and still have now is unlike anything I've experienced before and everything seems to work between us quite well. So...here I am nearly a year after meeting her, and she has been my girlfriend for a little over 6 months time.

Enter, the problem. Since I've met her, I've always behaved as a cocky, and sarcastic yet funny and likeable sort of person. Generally anyone I know well has learned not to take anything rude i say seriously because I'm almost certainly joking. Such was the case with her, until recently. Several months ago, I had noticed that her eating habits had gone to a shit, and she had put on a considerable amount of weight. As someone who has a continuing commitment to personal fitness, this was something hat really bothered me. Eventually after trying to drop subtle hints when i saw her eating another chocolate bar and getting nowhere i confronted her, firmly yet politely about what was going on and tried to insure that we could work something out. Needless to say, she didn't take it overly well, but what could I do?

Afterwards she started to eat much better after a while, and everything seemed fine. She started getting more excersize, we would go rollerblading together, go for walks and things like that. She lost all the weight she had put on, and then some and as far as i'm concerned she looks great. I'm always sure to tell her that, and I try to do my best to make her feel good about herself after the obvious blow I may have dealt to her self esteem earlier on. However, about 2 months ago her sex drive completely deteriorated, and has since gotten worse and worse. After several lengthy conversations as to what was wrong, she told me that she was upset about how I always "put her down" and was feeling depressed. I insured her once again that I don't mean those things and that I'm just kidding around, and she agreed that she knew that but it still hurt for whatever reason. She pointed the conversation where I had given her the "you're getting fat" talk, although it goes without saying that those were not the words i had used.

This problem coupled with several changes in her life had made her feel depressed, and she has since gotten medication to help improve that. It's worked wonders, and she's almost always in a great mood. Everything in the realtionship is great, and we never fight about anything. I've stopped being as sarcastic as i was, and she always tells me she really appreciates that. The problem, and the whole reason for this thread...is that her sex drive is still slowed to a crawl. We went from sleeping together 3-5 times everytime we hung out (we both clearly had a very healthy sex drive before) to the current once every 2-3 weeks. Obviously, this is not going to cut it for me. It's gotten to the point where I'm almost afraid to make sexual advances on my own girlfriend because she is never in the mood, save for when she has been drinking or has some other reason to be.

So now i'm confused, I'm acting like the nicer person that she wanted me to be, and still acting the exact same way i always have other than that. She keeps telling me that it's not me, and that it should get better eventually, but eventually just isn't going to cut it anymore.

A friend recomended that I try my luck on this forum, so given the circumstances, what do you suggest I do to help improve my sex life?

Remember this is a girl that I do, at this point, truly love and who I have amazing chemistry with, or else a breakup would be my first option.

Any help would be appreciated.

Antidepressants reduce peoples' sex drive. That would explain it.

And good regualar sex should her kill depression. That closes the circle.

- healthy lifestyle (good nutrition, sports, hobbies, things that give you passion)
- being a great lover (obviously she is more excited about sex the better you are)
- how you act (when you act depressiv and apethic, you become it... when you behave passionate and horny, you become it; it affects your emotions)

I always call sex the "State of the Union" of the relationship. It's usually a direct reflection of the emotional health. If the sex goes bad or stops, it usually means there's some unresolved emotional conflict going on. What that could be, I don't know.

What Jon said about anti-depressants could absolutely be true though.

As with most relationship issues, you should be talking to her about it first and foremost. Maybe have her go off the meds for a few weeks and see what happens. But either way, approach the situation as a problem that you two are going to work on together because you love each other, and things should be fine. Good luck.

(05-20-2011 01:20 PM)LGBD Wrote:  A friend recomended that I try my luck on this forum

Big ups.

Birth control pills, insecurity, stress and boredom - they kill it.

hilangoa- myth: birth control rarely affects sex drive. In fact, for myself and 3 of my close friends, it increased it if anything. Anti-depressants could do it, but I have zero knowledge about that. What stood out to me in your post LGBD, was where you said "I'm almost afraid to make sexual advances on my own girlfriend." If you used to be the initiator all or most of the time and you have stopped this, maybe she thinks it is you who does not want to have sex with her? I would pick back up your old behavior and habits from when you were having sex more regularly. You also have to expect sex to slow down somewhat in a relationship. In the beginning it is still new and exciting and all you want to do is bang, but the relationship does become less about that later on. It just happens. Try spicing things up maybe? Buy her some lingerie or surprise her with a sex toy or something. If you are scared about making sexual advances and whatnot, its going to affect your behavior and things are not going to get any better, so make it fun again and just relax..

anti-depressants can decrease libido and lead to inorgasmia (inability to orgasm) in about 10-15% of patients.

Interestingly, Welbutrin is the one antidepresent that actually can in some cases increase libido, and weightloss.