The longer I date a girl, the more I have problems to set boundaries without complaining or making some drama.

So what often happens is, that a the girl does something which I don´t like, I immediatly take it personal and get offended by that. If I get mad, I say and do stupid things which I regret and excuse later (tip who have the same problem: shut ur mouth and specially don´t write emails or so until you calm down. You can destroy so much with just one email or talk, even if you didnt meen it really and excuse yourself, somethings just cannot be excused. When you calmed down, think if she really way that wrong that it gives you a reason to bring it up). After doing so, I say to myself that I have to take it easy, then I often shut my mouth even when she does things which are not alright and are enough reason to speak about it. After recognizing, that now I am taking too much shit, I say to myself "you have to stand up for you more often", so I start complaining about little things again. As you can imagine, it´s pretty frustrating for me and for her as well.

I think it´s all coming from me being a needy guy. When I don´t set boundaries where I should, I am doing so because I am afraid of losing her and set her needs over mine. When I complain about bullshit, it´s because I want to overplay my neediness by acting like "an alpha male" who can stand up for himself.

So when I should set boundaries (meaning mentioning a bad behaviour of hers) or just shut up? Because at the moment it happens, I often can not differ from bullshit or a real issue. Only after I recognize if it was worth about critizing it or not. And when I set boundaries, how do I do that without complaining or creating some drama?

I think what you need to do is address this issue when you are both calm and relaxed. The problem is that every time you bring it up, you're already pissed off/upset. You need to have a conversation with her and find boundaries that you can both agree on. You don't have to be an 'alpha male' in a relationship. She is not prey to be dominated anymore. You are in a partnership now. Exploding and saying hurtful things after she has over-stepped the boundaries that you have set for her isn't going to do your relationship any good - and obviously you recognize this. Like I said, sit down when you're both calm and relaxed and hash out some boundaries that you can both agree on. If she winds up stepping outside of these new boundaries again in the future, you have a bigger problem on your hands.

Thank you DD!

Yeah, I think this is really to best way to deal with this.

Since this issue happened not only in relationsships, but also when I am just dating a girl, do you think that I should talk about my problems with her specific behaviour like I would do in a relationsship? My thing is this: in commited relationsship both of the partners have to work on the relationsship, therefore talking about problems is very important, so that you can improve your relationsship. But when you are just dating a girl, you obviously don´t have this commitment, if you don´t like the way it goes you can leave everytime. THerefore you don´t have to talk about issues, and talking about it could be imo understand as complaining, since you don´t have a reason to bring this up.

So do you think when its just dating and nothing serious I should more keep minor issues to myself?

Can you be more specific? Generally, yes, there is some minor shit you should keep to yourself. If you can call somebody out calmly in the moment, I think that's the best way to do things.

(05-16-2011 12:09 AM)8_ball Wrote:  Thank you DD!

Yeah, I think this is really to best way to deal with this.

Since this issue happened not only in relationsships, but also when I am just dating a girl, do you think that I should talk about my problems with her specific behaviour like I would do in a relationsship? My thing is this: in commited relationsship both of the partners have to work on the relationsship, therefore talking about problems is very important, so that you can improve your relationsship. But when you are just dating a girl, you obviously don´t have this commitment, if you don´t like the way it goes you can leave everytime. THerefore you don´t have to talk about issues, and talking about it could be imo understand as complaining, since you don´t have a reason to bring this up.

So do you think when its just dating and nothing serious I should more keep minor issues to myself?

Sorry dude, I must have misunderstood initially. "Dating" is the same as "Relationship" in my vocabulary. I had assumed that's what you meant. But the same things still basically apply. When you get angry with her for overstepping the boundaries, it is a major sign of insecurity, which is a turn-off for most women and definitely not an "alpha" trait. However, it is completely natural. Just something you will have to learn to overcome.