Hi

I was in a relationship with a girl for a few months. For me this was a long time. Things were going great, I care for her a lot. We never discussed the bf/gf thing, although I treated her as though she was a girlfriend.

She is going back "home" which is far away... for a few weeks. She started grilling me today about "when i'm away are you going to be kissing other girls?" and I tried to avoid the question. She kept plowing me to answer. Eventually I just said "I don't know."

That was what she needed to know and she got upset because she wanted me to say "no". Long story short, I don't think she wants to date anymore. I didn't lie to her, but should I maybe have told her earlier that I didn't want a monogamous relationship? Also is there something I could have said or done, that would have mitigated the sitation? I tried to keep cool, but it was hard.

The problem was that I was on the fence about it the whole time. I really liked her probably more than any girl I've ever dated, but wasn't sure that I wanted to be exclusive. I know this is a bad thing. I think I also got defensive when she started saying that "i don't want to do this anymore."

I don't expect to see her ever again unfortunately

Hi coldcorner,

It seems there are a couple of issues. First, you ask how you could have made clear to her that you don't want a monogamous relationship. Then, I think you wonder if maybe you DID want a monogamous relationship, but you also have your doubts about commitment.

About the first issue, you say:
"We never discussed the bf/gf thing, although I treated her as though she was a girlfriend."
and then you say "I didn't lie to her, but should I maybe have told her earlier that I didn't want a monogamous relationship?"

In cases like this, your actions speak much louder than your words to girls. How did you act? Did you make out with other girls during this relationship? Did you go out often and pick up girls? How regularly was your contact with her? Did you see her once a week with not much contact in between, or was it more like daily? Maybe you treated her like a girlfriend, and you lived like she was your girlfriend. So it's to be expected that she interprets the situation like that and that she's very upset once you say you don't want to be committed to her.

About the second issue. I've been in the same boat, and many of us have. Even Mark. Commitment is scary. To me, it's because I feel like I might be committing to this girl for a long time, but that's not actually rational, because you have the freedom to end the relationship at any time if it doesn't make you happy. I think this attitude is also shaped by the PUA community, because we're all expected to be players that date 8 girls at a time with 11 fuck buddies on the side and having just ONE (1) girl is pretty loser-ish. But that's BS of course.

The thing is, you didn't want to commit, but I think that you acted as though you were committed to her (depends on your answers to the questions I asked above) and you liked it. So you liked being committed to her, but you were afraid to label it as such. There are things to be said for not committing too soon when you're young. And you shouldn't settle. But once you find a girl you really like, maybe you just have to take the plunge and face your fears and commit to her.

It sucks that maybe she won't talk to you again. If she had strong feelings for you you might still have a shot. But make up your mind about commitment first, to prevent more drama.

You should have told her from the getgo you weren't looking for a relationship. You treated her like a girlfriend, of course she's hurt you dropped this bomb on her. Nothing wrong with not wanting a relationship but from what you said, it seems you liked her a lot and enjoyed every aspect of being her boyfriend but being exclusive with her. You have to take a hard look at what matters to you more right now, a deeper connection with someone you truly care about or the rush from forming fleeting bonds with different people.

(04-14-2011 09:33 PM)Wires Wrote:  You should have told her from the getgo you weren't looking for a relationship. You treated her like a girlfriend, of course she's hurt you dropped this bomb on her. Nothing wrong with not wanting a relationship but from what you said, it seems you liked her a lot and enjoyed every aspect of being her boyfriend but being exclusive with her. You have to take a hard look at what matters to you more right now, a deeper connection with someone you truly care about or the rush from forming fleeting bonds with different people.

I don't know if you should state this explicitly from the getgo. Some people consider this immature and say you should communicate this more subtly.

That's why I ask what he DID. Actions speak louder than words. Even if he had told her clearly that he didn't want a relationship, if he had treated her as a girlfriend, this situation would still have come up.

Thanks for the thoughtful replies. I definitley dropped teh ball i think in treating her like a gf. To answer your questions we hung out at least once a week... sometimes twice but it was never more than that. We did talk a few times during the week. I'd say 1 or 2 phone or text sessions. I did go out on a few dates with other girls, but they didn't lead to anything except maybe some kisses.

I did think about what I would do if she actually asked me "what are we?" But I never actually decided what I would have done. Looking back on things if I Knew what i wanted exactly I wouldn't have been in this situation now. I texted with her a little bit today about the situation. She seems pretty upset with me/hurt. Maybe I'm just pessimistic, but I feel like its over. We're gonna talk sometime within the next few days, btu she's in a different time zone. But I am starting to lean in the direction of getting into a relationship with her, as long as it wouldn't be something where we are getting off on the bad foot, or there is a damper in her mind. I don't want to be groveling to her either just because I made some mistakes. I can appologize, but I'd expect her to forgive and forget, if we're to be a couple.

Thansk again

Quote:Thanks for the thoughtful replies. I definitley dropped teh ball i think in treating her like a gf. To answer your questions we hung out at least once a week... sometimes twice but it was never more than that. We did talk a few times during the week. I'd say 1 or 2 phone or text sessions.

This is boyfriend behavior and probably why she never asked you to define the relationship.

My rule of thumb is to never see a girl more than once a week if I want to keep things casual.