Hey Mark,

wanted to make use of the opportunity and get your point of view of an issue that's been on my mind.

I am a graduate student, had good success with girls and socially in general in my first 3 years of college. Have attended a bootcamp by another company, previously. Good with people I see on a regular basis, still hang-ups with cold approaching. Have a decent amount of sexual experience and don't feel like I still have to sleep with girls just for the sake of the sex itself. Rather, still enjoy meeting new people and giving in to desires, when they present themselves.

Got involved with this one girl about 8 months ago, she had a boyfriend at the time, we still hooked up. I wanted to keep it casual, as I have for the most part of the last 4 years. Told her I would never become her boyfriend or anything like that. She agreed, we continued to see each other whenever I was in town (moved to a bigger town, 2 months after meeting her), which was once every one or two months. She broke off with her boyfriend, eventually. Start of this year, she tells me she can't do this anymore, because she is getting too involved, emotionally. I say okay. But, we keep talking and chatting like always. The next time I do show up, she does INDEED refuse to get physical. I am taken aback, we kind of call it off. I feel sad, but ok about it.

Then, surprisingly, I can't get her out of my head. A week later, I call her. We become a couple.

This was about two months ago. I still am not comfortable with the whole thing. I like her a lot, and it seems like, emotionally, I am fine with being with her, I feel like I have to give this a shot. Still, I am anxious about the freedoms (I believe) I am giving up. I am afraid of doing this for the wrong reasons, of settling for something out of laziness (?).

Is it healthy to have a "conventional" relationship on this basis? Will I regret the opportunities with other girls I am missing out on? Or would I rather regret not having tried it and seen where it went? What is your take on this? I am interested in what you would do in my situation.

Thanks a lot, buddy

Would love feedback from the other guys, as well, of course.

Thanks!

Ooph, this is an issue close to home. I'm a consummate commitment-phobe.

This is one of those qualitative issues that's hard for me to answer because there are a lot of things that can't be described over the internet: how much you like her, how much she likes you, etc.

But I'll say this. Your reactions are totally natural for a commitment-phobe. It always manifests itself as desire for "freedom." But my experience over the years has taught me that the whole "freedom" dilemma is a double-bind and a rationalization. Because if you do break away from her for the sake of "freedom," you end up in a situation where you miss her and prefer her and don't actually enjoy the freedom away from her. So I'd say just know that that impulse is a bit of a mirage and has everything to do with you and your emotional make up and not the objective reality.

The only other thing I'll say is that looking back, my committed relationships have left me with my favorite memories, my best experiences, and must useful lessons. I personally feel that quality relationship experience trumps pure sexual experience. I have a lot of great memories just banging random girls, but none of them hold a candle to some of the memories and experiences I've had with girlfriends.

The other thing you have to keep in mind is, it's never going to get better until you force yourself to deal with it. So if you don't deal with this now and go for it and stick it out, then you're just going to run into the same dilemma with the next girl who wants to date you. Keep that in mind.

You miss 100% of the shots you don't take - Wayne Gretzky

I'd say go for it, because if it works out, that's great for you. If it combusts, make sure to brush aside the emotional pain, and analyze why it didn't work so that next time you know better. The important thing is to learn from the experience.

As Mark said, obviously, this is an individual thing, but one thing that would worry me a bit - I think one of the problems I have had about being commitment-phobic, is I would choose girls who I wanted to hook up with, and then end up in a relationship with, but these were girls I never would have dated if I was screening for a relationship ahead of time. Commitment phobic guys often end up finding themselves in relationships with whatever girl they hook up with for a while, instead of dating a bunch of girls and looking for one who is girlfriend material. This girl might be great, but personally, I'd be wary of dating a girl seriously who cheated on her boyfriend with you, especially more than once.

Yeah, entering a relationship purely from inertia is definitely a huge mistake.

Don't think OP is doing this though, as in my experience when you fall into a relationship from inertia, you notice very quickly that it doesn't feel right. I think the fact that you turned her down for a relationship and then missed her says a lot. Sure, we always want we can't have, but I think it tells you that you appreciated her more than you thought you did originally.

The boyfriend point is a good one.

She is using him. This girl must be fine, so she doesnt like to let go of one branch until she gets a firm grip on another....

She is using him emotionally, thats my opinion.

This man needs to talk to Johnny Soporno.

Watch it, The best thing to do here is see 2 more girls not one more, 2 more and start a harem.

Talk to Vince Kelvin as well, he started this with his wife Amy.

Vince has gotten really Gangster these days.... GO Vince!!!

(04-08-2011 02:23 PM)Mark Wrote:  Yeah, entering a relationship purely from inertia is definitely a huge mistake.

Don't think OP is doing this though, as in my experience when you fall into a relationship from inertia, you notice very quickly that it doesn't feel right. I think the fact that you turned her down for a relationship and then missed her says a lot. Sure, we always want we can't have, but I think it tells you that you appreciated her more than you thought you did originally.

The boyfriend point is a good one.

Thanks, a couple of great points here!

You are right, it IS tricky to communicate the details over the internet.

Jon, I agree and big part of why I am asking here, is because I am afraid of what you are talking about.

She actually broke off with her then-boyfriend, the next time she saw him back home. We were studying in a city a little far from our respective homes.

My philosophy, or, better, the philosophy I took on for the last few years, has been to find and spent time with people I like, including having sex with girls I find attractive. Whenever talks about having a relationship came around, I try to brush them aside, saying I do not try to foresee what happens in the future, and that all I know is that I like her and want to see her again, to create memories for her and me. Very influenced by Zan, I think. Obviously, matters of jealousy creep up, for me as well, every now and then, but when I am jealous myself, I try to see it as overattachement to my ego, that I will overcome, eventually.

With my girlfriend (oh gosh!), it started out the same. The major difference is that I wanted to continue seeing her, when she wanted to end the previous arrangement. Being in this relationship feels like kind of a compromise: I am able to continue to see her in exchange for a shot at a more conventional relationship arrangement. Not necessarily a bad thing.

Mark, I remember you wrote something about entering a relationship for emotional reasons and leaving one for rational reasons. Emotionally, I definitely wanted to see her when we got together, yet I remember the first morning I woke up next to her after that, I had something close to a tiny panick attack. For the following weeks, I was very jittery and thinking about the whole thing constantly.

So, emotionally, I was conflicted, and I am finding it hard to separate what part of my emotions are those I feel for her, and what part is just me dealing with my, as you put, commitment-phobia. Currently, I am not head-over-heels for her, like heart-pounding every time I see her. But I venture to say I don't feel that way towards girls in general, these days, as in I don't get overly emotionally attached (?). She does have a calming effect on me. I like spending time with her. Biggest indicator is that I can spent a week with her and not be annoyed by her. This isn't true with most other people.
What could be rational reasons for which you would break up with someone you want to be with, emotionally?

Quote:What could be rational reasons for which you would break up with someone you want to be with, emotionally?

Hahaha... when they happen, you'll know.

It sounds to me like your jitters and nervousness is definitely self-induced and part of your general fear of commitment. You don't have to be head over heels for her, but as long as you enjoy her company, keep seeing her. It's good for you. If 3-4 months down the line, you're still not feeling crazy about it, then call it off. But it's still early.