Hey guys! I am new and have no experience with "the game". I don't really know why I am writing this post, since I probably need the help of a therapist more than anything else. But I kind of need to write this down, even if no one reads it. I am about to hit rock bottom in my social and love life. The situation is bad right now, but I feel it is going to get a lot worse.

Depending on how I look at myself, I can say I am average across the board, or, maybe, slightly above average in certain areas. Right now, I don't see hope... I get these depression episodes, then sometimes I feel a bit better. But I am very emotional - I take everything personally and I let stuff get to me.

I believe in the ideas I read on Mark's blog. I've seen some of them work even for me (not in picking up women, but in other situations). But in my fucked-up mind I can't see myself succeeding. I seem to be unable to put these ideas into action. I get the feeling that I have been sabotaging myself for a long time.

I've been trying to improve my lifestyle and it is better, but... I feel like I just do more cool things that I don't have anyone to share with. And even worse, I think all this is really affecting my studies and consequently, my future. My problem is that while I realize all this, I am unable to take action. I hate feeling like a loser.

Sorry for all the bitching. I was just wondering if you would like to share your success stories, or how you manage to pull yourselves out of a rut, keep your faith and positivity and achieve success. Unfortunately, I can't afford therapy or coaching right now, so I have to find another way to deal with this.

Cheers,
S

(05-14-2011 08:29 AM)nonsense Wrote:  But in my fucked-up mind I can't see myself succeeding. I seem to be unable to put these ideas into action

Maybe you need to take smaller and progressive steps contrary to high expectations.
I always feel better when I DO SOMETHING, even if it's just getting a flaky phone number or making a stranger laugh.

As soon I read this post, I felt like I should be the one replying to it. I too have struggled with serious depression at several points in my life. If I knew more about the specific issues that were troubling you, I feel like I could be able to provide better advice but maybe this is a good starting point.

Baseball guru Ron Shandler is fond of saying: Once a player displays a skill, he owns it.

I fully agree.

With this in mind, try to stop focusing on the negative.

Think about the greatest accomplishments you have in life: The times you were "on fire" at work, the hottest girl(s) you've ever been with, the moments you won the big game while playing sports - and remember, no matter how bad things are right now - you're STILL that guy.

Your situation may have changed, but you haven't. On any given day, you have the ability to go out there and dominate socially, personally, professionally. If it helps, write down your greatest accomplishments in life and remember how it felt when those moments happened.

They can happen again, and you have the ability to make it so.

First take this:

http://psychcentral.com/depquiz.htm



Very likely you have a (faulty) thinking pattern running in your head all the time.
You feel bad, because you make yourself feel bad. Comparing oneself constantly with other people who are better at something than you (because they worked longer on it) is a very good way to that. Then just overestimate the importance of those things and set yourself some unreachable expectations. And don't forget to concentrate on the end goal and ignoring (the joy of) the process.

Voila: you are now really, really sad.

Short term Solution:
Realize that you have control over your thinking. Having lots of girls, a great body, money, fame or pretty much success in any endeavor probably won't be as fulfilling as you imagine it to be. Just ask the people who have those things. (this is called http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Affective_forecasting)

Just focus on the process and take the next (really small) step in the right direction. Anything you can think of right now. And enjoy the way. Enjoy the feeling of growing and improving. Because that will bring so much more pleasure than being unhappy when comparing your current self with your future (ideal) self. The longer the road, the more enjoyment you'll be able to derive from walking it.


Long term solution:
- get informed about CBT / psychotherapy yourself and apply the concepts:
Highly recommended book, which has actually been proven to work for fighting depression http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-Thera...0380810336
http://www.psychologicalselfhelp.org/

Other things that are helpful:
- some kind of sport at least 3 times a week
- fish oil
- be social and go do fun things with (new) friends

And get studying!

Thanks guys! Awesome suggestions. I will try to act on all of them.

I guess one of the problems of my mindset is unrealistic expectations. Many people would feel ok to be where I am at. But I don't. When I achieve something I usually don't think it's a big deal - millions of people have done similar things before me. So I don't see that as a success, just as something totally normal. But when I fail...It feels like it's the end of the world and I am the biggest loser on this planet.

I always try and do stuff. It's just that it rarely makes me feel better about myself. I will write a list with the things Davey suggested and use it to focus on the positive and get in a better state. I just ordered the "Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy" book and hopefully it will help me deal with this. I started doing martial arts, but I think a better mindset would be really helpful in training as well.

In your experience, how can you completely detach yourself from outcome and expectations? How can one accept that some things are just beyond our control and ignore the negative?


Thanks again!
S

P.S. The test confirmed that I am depressed.

(05-14-2011 08:29 AM)nonsense Wrote:  I don't really know why I am writing this post, since I probably need the help of a therapist more than anything else.

You said it yourself man, you need a therapist right now. That's something you need to take of before you start trying to improve with women.

I went to a therapist for a few months in my teens and it helped. I have two pieces of advice for it:

1) Don't settle. The first one I went to was terrible and didn't get me to open up at all. I just told her about all these minor problems and made it seem like they were the real issue when they were just a cover up. If it takes trying a few to get one that works for you, that's ok. Just make sure you're rejecting them because they're not a good match, not because you're afraid to open up.

2) Be prepared to work hard. As helpful as my therapist was, it could have been even better if I'd realised this. Therapy is 90% you, 10% your therapist. Basically they're there to act as an encouraging sounding-board, and then know the right thing to say when you're almost about to reach a significant realization but just need that extra push. If you go in with the attitude that you just need to show up and talk for as long as it takes for them to do some impressive psycho-analysis and 'cure you', then it's not going to be much help. I started off with this attitude, but it changed as I realized how things actually worked. You're going to have to confront some difficult things if you want to make any progress, and the only person who can make that happen is you.

Good luck with this man.

(05-14-2011 08:29 AM)nonsense Wrote:  Sorry for all the bitching. I was just wondering if you would like to share your success stories, or how you manage to pull yourselves out of a rut, keep your faith and positivity and achieve success. Unfortunately, I can't afford therapy or coaching right now, so I have to find another way to deal with this.

My suggestions aren't game related, more counter-depression related.

One book that worked well for me during low points was "Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy" by David Burns, MD. (It's basically self-applied Cognitive Behavior Therapy).

Something that seems to work well for me to break out of a rut is physical exercise. Yoga has been especially good because it's physical and usually comes with a light, accepting spirituality that can be pleasant for people in the middle of challenges. The breathing exercises (pranayama) seem to be particularly effective for depression / anxiety.

But certainly anything physical - walking, running, weights, etc - works to juice up your brain chemistry and work against depression (there are citations around, I don't have any on hand).

(05-15-2011 03:15 AM)nonsense Wrote:  In your experience, how can you completely detach yourself from outcome and expectations? How can one accept that some things are just beyond our control and ignore the negative?

This might seem counter-productive and defeatist, but my mentality has always been: Keep your expectations low, that way you will never be disappointed.

(05-15-2011 05:30 AM)DaveyDrama Wrote:  

(05-15-2011 03:15 AM)nonsense Wrote:  In your experience, how can you completely detach yourself from outcome and expectations? How can one accept that some things are just beyond our control and ignore the negative?

This might seem counter-productive and defeatist, but my mentality has always been: Keep your expectations low, that way you will never be disappointed.

That is probably one of the main reasons why people in northern europe are often found to be unusually happy with their lives.

And you accept by accepting.

I thought studies have shown that Europeans are much happier than North Americans?