Not like I haven't been thinking about this basically non-stop for the past 12 months, but I just recently came to a conclusion this weekend. Seeing as how there are guys on this forum who are much more knowledgeable than myself in terms of psychology and things like that, I thought I'd present to you my dilemma

From 2007-2009 I dated a girl who I was in love with and who I lost my virginity to. 2 weeks after she broke up with me, I left for college. Since my very first day at college, I have been seeing another girl. Let's call her Sammie, because, well, her name is Sammie.

She got me through the emotional breakdown that I had after my ex and I split up and eventually I fell in love with her. Now, I should point out that during the relationship with my ex-girlfriend, I was a terrible person. I had a hair-trigger, violent temper and completely destroyed her self esteem and made her feel worthless and ugly. I never hit her or cheated on her, but I was constantly talking to other girls and having angry tirades. I attributed this to feeling trapped by commitment.

So, this being said, I have, since the summer of 2009, refused to put labels on my relationship with Sammie - aside from 2 weeks last summer where we tried an 'official' relationship and I freaked out and had to end it. I'm so terrified of the same thing happening with her that happened with my ex. That I'll feel trapped and become this horrible person again and I couldn't live with myself if I hurt someone else like that. Hence, staying away from the 'boyfriend/girlfriend' label. Ever since the beginning, I have treated this girl like GOLD. Complete opposite of my ex-girlfriend.

Whenever we have an especially good couple of weeks and I think about trying the commitment thing again, the first thoughts to run through my head are: What about going for drinks with Girl A on Friday? What about the excellent FWB situation I've got going with Girl B? What about all of the new and exciting women I'm going to meet in University? And then suddenly, commitment doesn't seem like such a great idea anymore.

Now, here's a fairly important catch: I've been fairly seriously involved with 3 different girls since I've been seeing Sammie. With each of these girls, I was down to commit and even excited about it. I had none of the same reservations. I'm starting to think that I may not be a commitment-phobe in general but just when it comes to Sammie.

I'm supposed to be leaving for University across the country at the end of the summer and the ONLY reason I would consider not going is to give it a go with Sammie. I don't want to wake up one day and have another enormous regret hanging over my head because I gave up on it.

So, I submit to you guys..what do you think?

As you probably learned in life, you have to open up yourself and become vulnerable to deeply connect with people. Of course, that sometimes fails and you get hurt, but you don't want to never engage in a relationship because of that fear, do you? If you don't move that step forward, it will be too late at some point or never get serious. If it fails, she wasn't the right one for you and you can move on. (sounds a bit cold, I know). I would just give it a try. Your whole post sounds you want to get serious with her but just are afraid because of your bad past experience.

you're 20, right? You aren't commitment-phobic. You have no obligation to be in a relationship, and you clearly have no interest in it. Don't get into relationships. If you were 30 and said all this, you'd have a problem. At 20, not wanting a relationship isn't a psychological problem.

To piggyback on what Jon said, being terrified of your emotions and treating your girlfriend like crap aren't exactly unique at your age either.

It's the validation and neediness I'd be more concerned about.

Well, if there's one thing I've learned over the past few years, it's to heed the advice of those with more experience, so if you say it's an age thing, I'll say fair enough BUT ..

I'm still worried that one day I'm going to wake up and regret not making it work with her. Just like my ex who I drove out of my life, this girl is everything I could have ever wanted. And what I don't understand more than anything is why I'm down to commit to other girls, but not her. See if you can explain that one to me.

Well, I can't be sure, but it sounds like this girl is willing to let you walk all over her. She wants a relationship, but is willing to put up with two years of non-commitment? I suspect the common denominator with her and your ex is that they were both willing to let you get away with anything, at least for a while. That's appealing in a way, but probably not what you really want - it's good to find a girl who has boundaries of her own, and will call you on your shit. This Sammie girl is clearly not that.

Maybe you are scared of committing to sammie and not other girls because your feelings for her go deeper than with the others and you are afraid of hurting her if you screw up in the relationship. With the other girls, commitment may seam a bit less scary because should you flake out, losing one of them won't be that big of a deal..? That was just my first thought. If you are still in the toss up whether to go to the University across the country or stay and give it a go with Sammie, ask yourself the question whether or not skipping out on the opportunity to go away to this university would hang over your head and if you would regret that. Not to sound too cynical, but if you are 20, do you really think that this thing with Sammie is that serious or that she is your "soulmate" enough to rearrange your plans or pass up on an opportunity? I would guess that when there is someone worth being in a relationship with, you will know, and you wont feel hesitant to commit.

As I always say: entering a relationship should be based on emotions, not logic; ending a relationship should be based on logical and not emotions. Or another thing I always say: if you have to ask, then there's your answer.

I develop strong feelings for women quite often and vice-versa. But the only women I've committed to are the few special ones who when I'm with them, my desire to be with anyone else disappears. Until that desire disappears, I figure it's not time. When it does finally disappear, I know it's time, and this girl is something special. I don't fight it either way.

With that said, go to university and wish her the best.

I think this is the first thing I've read by 'youregettingitwrong' that I actually thought was solid advice. I don't consider her my soulmate - as far as I'm concerned, I already lost my soulmate a couple years ago. The way I've been looking at it, I'm 21, so putting off University for another year or 2 isn't going to ruin my life..but if I leave and give up on a potential relationship with her, I don't want to wake up one day and have another huge regret hanging over me, you know? But then again, we've been in limbo for almost 2 years as it is. There's no way to know when it will finally go one way or the other (go our separate ways or make it work together)

Quote:"Maybe you are scared of committing to sammie and not other girls because your feelings for her go deeper than with the others and you are afraid of hurting her if you screw up in the relationship. With the other girls, commitment may seam a bit less scary because should you flake out, losing one of them won't be that big of a deal..?"

That's definitely some food for thought. A solid hypothesis. I wish I could tell you why I'm so against committing to her..

Quote:As I always say: entering a relationship should be based on emotions, not logic; ending a relationship should be based on logical and not emotions. Or another thing I always say: if you have to ask, then there's your answer.

I develop strong feelings for women quite often and vice-versa. But the only women I've committed to are the few special ones who when I'm with them, my desire to be with anyone else disappears. Until that desire disappears, I figure it's not time. When it does finally disappear, I know it's time, and this girl is something special. I don't fight it either way.

With that said, go to university and wish her the best.

That, my friend, is the cold, hard truth.